How far is too far?
Opinions
Just last week I had a friend call me needing comfort and advice. It was late and she had just got back to her room after spending several hours with her boyfriend. I could hear the strain in her voice and asked her what had happened. At first she claimed that everything was fine, but we both knew she was lying. She said, "I don’t know what’s wrong with me…but my heart is aching. My stomach is queasy. I just feel empty. I don’t understand! It’s not like we had sex!" she said exasperatedly into the phone, almost in tears. "Why should I feel like this?"
The question of how far is too far is a common question among young people, especially among Seventh-day Adventists. Often the message that Adventist children get from their adult peers is the flat-line answer that makes the young person feel like holding hands might make a baby. And after testing that one out and finding it to be an obvious myth, the question returns: where should I draw the line? There are those who say you can do whatever you want to, as long as there is no chance of getting pregnant, so you find ways to have sex without actually having sex. This is a dangerous line to walk, because as most of us know, pregnancy is not the only issue when it comes to sex. Having sex is not simply a physical act. Sex does not only affect your physical body, but it also affects you emotionally and mentally.
My friend wanted to know why she still felt guilty and empty even though she technically didn’t have sex. After talking to me for a while, she began to understand that even though she hadn’t done the actual act, she had done enough to affect her emotions. At the time she had reasoned that she would still be a virgin, just like she had promised herself and God that she would be until the day she married. Now she realizes that even though she did not lose her virginity, she did lose much of her innocence. She told me she just didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t even be mad at her boyfriend, because she had wanted it just as much as him. "I thought it would be worth it at the time," she said. "But now I’m not so sure. I wish this night had never happened!"
I firmly believe that there’s no point in regret, though that’s often easier to say than do. What I do believe is that when you know you’ve made a wrong decision, you can choose to learn from it. This meant my friend needed to take hold of her emotions, and give them to God in prayer. As we continued to talk, she told me that she was coming to realize how easily and permanently you can lose your innocence, a thing which is so special. She ended the conversation no longer in tears, ready to call her boyfriend and have a much needed conversation.
When it comes to relationships it’s important to be with someone you can talk to, who will respect the decisions you have made about your boundaries. There are no set rules to follow when it comes to the question of how far is too far. So you can’t say, "According to the rules, this is OK," because it may not be OK for the person you are with. It all comes down to how well you know yourself, and how much you choose to listen to that little small voice put in your heart by God. For me that meant I needed to think about what I know of the sanctity of marriage according to God and the Bible. Also I must think about the guidelines that God has given to help us have happy and lasting relationships with the person we choose to marry. Then I prayed for God to help me choose my boundaries wisely. I must then search my heart, make my decisions, and stand firm.
I know that standing firm isn’t easy, and sometimes we lose our footing. But if your boundaries begin to get a little blurry, or even if you completely fall, don’t feel bad about stepping back and redefining. I have known so many young people who use the logic that they have already slipped, so what’s the point. As my friend discovered, just because you lose your footing doesn’t mean that you can’t go back and say this is not what you want. My friend talked to her boyfriend and said that she loved him and would always have the memory of what they experienced together. She then told him how she felt afterwards and let him know that she had given him a piece of herself, when she lost that part of her innocence. She told me that they had a good talk and had decided that they would not have a repeat of the night before.
I know that it’s easy to say we are not going to do it again, but hard to do. And my friend found out that once having crossed that line it was hard to go back for good.
"Hard, but not impossible," she tells me. "It means that we have to know ourselves and listen to that little voice. I know now when it’s starting to get too serious for me, because it’s the point when what I want for my future begins to seem less important than what I am feeling at the time. When that happens, I just have to pull back, and he understands. Sometimes it even means that we need to remove the temptation altogether by going out with a group of people instead of being in a secluded spot by ourselves. But despite it all, I think this has made our relationship stronger. We pray together now, at first it was just about this, but now the prayers have grown to include all aspects of our lives. It’s pretty cool."
Though everything turned out good with my friend, unfortunately sometimes standing up for your boundaries might mean that the other person dumps you. It is important that you always remember that your boundaries are worth standing up for, no matter what. If the person you are with does not understand that, then they are not worth your time. You won’t be able to form a healthy balanced relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you enough to listen when you say no.
Finally, don’t think about how you can’t say yes. Instead, think about how you want to say no now, so that you can say yes to the future God has designed for you.
.